Spell Bee Joke

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.

From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks.

Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

Covering Shoe Joke

A couple was having sex in a car. A loaded truck hit the car, the girl was thrown outside but the guy stuck beneath the steering wheel.

Boy: Please help me out, get somebody here.

Girl: How can I, I am all naked.

Boy: Take my shoe to cover and then go.

The girl kept the shoe on her vagina and started looking for some help. Finally she found a man at a service station.

Holding the shoe between her legs she said: Please help me, my boyfriend is stuck."

The man looked at the shoe and Fainted..!!!

Coffee Gossip Joke

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well... ?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and, 36"HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ !"

Women Gossip Joke

A lot of ladies used to sit together every evening in a park and talk non stop.
,
One day they were sitting very very quietly.

A gentleman who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet.

He inquired about this to which they replied, "You see, today we are ALL present, so we don't know who to gossip about."

Calorie distribution Joke

Veronica and Deborah decided to split a can of Diet Pepsi. Veronica opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

"Only one calorie per can," she read aloud.

"Hmm," murmured Deborah. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"

False Teeth Joke

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

'Get your hand out of there!' she shouts. 'Don't you know that women have teeth down there?'

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says 'you know, you could go a little further if you want.'

'What do you mean?' he asks.

'Well, why don't you put your hand down there?' she says, pointing to her crotch.

'Hell no,' he cries, 'you've got teeth down there.'

'Don't be ridiculous,' she responds, 'there's no teeth there.'

'Yes there are,' he says, 'my mom told me so.'

'No there aren't,' she insists. 'Here, look for yourself.'

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

'No I'm sorry' he says. 'My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.'

'Oh for Christ's sake!' she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, 'Look, I don't have any teeth down there.'

The boy takes a good long look, then replies: 'Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised.'

Pray For My Hearing joke

A man goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

The man gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "What you want me to pray about? "

The man says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in the man's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "How's your hearing now?"

The man says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

Corruption Case joke

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Caught on the Wrong Foot joke

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.

A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man", the priest replied.
"Imagine that", the drunk muttered.
He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father", the drunk said and added, "I just read in the paper that the Pope does".

The Honeymoon Prank joke

The wedding date was set and the groom's 3 friends, who were a Carpenter, an Electrician and a Dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would be fun. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but promised it would be memorable. The wedding went as planned and a few days later, each of the Grooms buddies received the following note:
Dear Friends,
We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put Local Anesthesia in the Condom!

Pampered cow joke

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

Open the trunk joke

A Lebanese man was driving when he came to a Syrian Military checkpoint, staffed by a battalion that consisted of young men from Homs. The young soldier pointed his rifle into this man's window and asked to see his papers. Then he asked him to get out of the car and open his trunk.

Realizing that if the soldier saw what was in his trunk he would be arrested, he told the young Homsi soldier that if he took his foot off the break, his car would roll down the hill. He instructed the soldier to get in the car and step on the break while the man opened the trunk.

The man opened the trunk and yelled to the soldier sitting in the car that there was nothing suspicious there. The young Homsi was satisfied and the thanked the Lebanese man and sent him on his way!

Women’s word meaning vs Men’s word meaning joke

Women

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron
10. You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Men

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

No more kids joke

A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?"

The woman answered, "Four."

The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?" The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George."

Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"

"Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."

Men are like joke

Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

A ring joke

A girl asked her boyfriend: 'Darling, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?'
The boy replied, "Sure, what's your phone number?'

The New Hooker Joke

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said, "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine."

"So, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

"I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much. So, I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally, I said, 'Well, how much do you have?' The marine said that he only had $25. So, I said, 'Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand.

"He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out, and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first, and then the first hand above the second hand"

"Oh my God" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge. Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him the $75!"

Sore Throat Remedy Joke

Hi! How are you?

Fine. But I think I have a sore throat.

I know what to do. Every time when I have a sore throat I'm having an oral sex with my husband and it helps me!

The great idea, I will try...

On the second day:

Well, how do you feel? Did it help?

Yes, thank you very much, my throat is all right. But your husband couldn't believe that it was your idea!

Weight Scale Joke

At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.

The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

'It won't work,' Judi countered. 'I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt.'

Impolite Child Joke

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

'No, no, no!' she screamed.

'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'

With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you! No, thank you!

Get yourself a train Joke

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son
Alfred

Sometime later Alfred gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Loving son,
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

Triplet Honeymoons Joke

A mother had triplet daughters and, sure enough, they all got married the same day. On their wedding night, mom tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

Two days later the letters start to arrive from the various honeymoon destination spots.

The first one has the simple message: "Maxwell House Coffee". The mother gets the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, "Satisfaction to the last drop." Mother is very happy.
The next day she gets the second letter. It reads: "Rothman's Mattresses". So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad and it's headlined, "Full Size, King Size". And the mother is happy.
But she waits and waits for the third letter. It finally arrives after three weeks and has the message: "British Airways". Mother is at first perplexed, and when she finally finds the British Airways ad she fainted. The ad read:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Previous forest officer joke

A forest officer was transferred to a remote area deep inside the jungle where the population was still uncivilized. Further, it was rumored that once upon a time, the people of this tribe were cannibals. One day the officer asked a small child: “Dear boy, how was our previous forest officer?” The child replied: “Very tasty, sir.”

Extra effort joke

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

When Death Came Joke

Death came to a guy and said,"My friend today is your day..." The guy said,"But I am not ready!" Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list..." So the guy told death, "Ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?" Death said, "All right..." The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list. When death woke up he said to the guy, "I will start from the bottom of the list because you have been so very nice to me..."

Blonde and the Barking Dog Joke

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!"

Steady, William Joke

A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It was obvious to her that he had his hands full with the child — he was screaming for candy, cookies, pop and everything else he shouldn't have. Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around the store, saying in a controlled voice, "Steady, William: we won't be long. Easy, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, William: Relax, buddy! Don't get upset! We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. That little bastard's name is Kevin."

On Heat Joke

A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the bull". "How disgusting," said the teacher? "I'm sure your father could have done that." "No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull."

Two sisters Joke

Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years. Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!" "Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs." Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

Broken Engagement Joke

Mike: “Mary has broken our engagement saying I am not rich enough.” Harry: “But you should have told her about your maternal uncle. He is stinking rich and you are his only successor.” Mike: “I did that. That is when she broke off with me and got engaged to my uncle.

Make Him Puke Joke

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other. "So, what's going on here?", the cop asks. The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit." The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!" The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

Most Wanted Joke

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

The Second Coming Joke

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one."

Reasons Why Men Favor Handguns Over Women Joke

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun! #2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. #3 - A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month. #5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. #7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun as a back up. #8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

The Difference Between Complete and Finished Joke

"When you marry the right woman, you are complete. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are finished. If the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished."

Healthful Place Joke

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in New Delhi.

In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"

"It sure is," the cabbie replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

Surprising Nemo