In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows.... he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean".
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious".
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands".
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
First Date Advice Joke
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your Assets; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand somewhere inappropriate; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your Assets; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand somewhere inappropriate; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
The Plows Must Get Through Joke
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast and again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park---" and right then the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Sweetie, why don't you just go ahead and leave it in the garage just this once?"
A week later while they are eating breakfast and again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park---" and right then the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Sweetie, why don't you just go ahead and leave it in the garage just this once?"
The Baptists and the Brothel Joke
I've heard this one in a number of variations, and actually thought it had been posted here for years ...but I didn't find it. So this version is as-received from a buddy. Not for the easily offended.
Mt. Vernon Texas Newspaper Headline:
Mt. Vernon, Texas, Whorehouse Sues Local Church Over Lightning Strike!
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cathouse fire, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher, and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's destruction. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"
Mt. Vernon Texas Newspaper Headline:
Mt. Vernon, Texas, Whorehouse Sues Local Church Over Lightning Strike!
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cathouse fire, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher, and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's destruction. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"
Friday, January 18, 2013
The Best News Joke
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.
Most people are writing standard phrases like, 'Without you, the company will never be the same,' 'We will always remember you,' etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied, "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years."
Most people are writing standard phrases like, 'Without you, the company will never be the same,' 'We will always remember you,' etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied, "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years."
Counsellor Joke
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help.
One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"
"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie."
One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"
"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie."
Bragging On The Kids Joke
Four guys are having drinks and, as one heads to the restroom, the three others started to talk about their successful sons.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, and now he's the president of the company. He's so rich he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for Christmas!"
"Damn, thats terrific!" the second guy said, "My son is also my pride and joy. He started working as a flight attendant on corporate jets. Then went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of the company. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!"
"Well that's terrific!" the third man said. "My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company, and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend: a 30,000 square foot mansion!"
The three guys are congratulating each other just as the fourth guy returns from the restroom to ask what are all the congratulations about?
One of the three guys said, "Were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. You have a son too, right? How's he doing."
The fourth man says, "My son is gay and makes his living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
"That's a shame...what a disappointment," the three men mumble.
"Not at all!" the fourth man says. "I'm not ashamed at all: he's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly for himself, either. Why, just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three best customers!"
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, and now he's the president of the company. He's so rich he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for Christmas!"
"Damn, thats terrific!" the second guy said, "My son is also my pride and joy. He started working as a flight attendant on corporate jets. Then went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of the company. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!"
"Well that's terrific!" the third man said. "My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company, and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend: a 30,000 square foot mansion!"
The three guys are congratulating each other just as the fourth guy returns from the restroom to ask what are all the congratulations about?
One of the three guys said, "Were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. You have a son too, right? How's he doing."
The fourth man says, "My son is gay and makes his living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
"That's a shame...what a disappointment," the three men mumble.
"Not at all!" the fourth man says. "I'm not ashamed at all: he's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly for himself, either. Why, just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three best customers!"
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