Horny Young Man Joke

A horny young man went to a brothel. The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

"On the first floor, we have the ex-models, they are all slinky and sexy. On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses, they are all buxom and beautiful. On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers, they..."

"Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"

"Are you sure? I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

"It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it !!"

Golden Wedding Anniversary Joke

After celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, an old couple go to bed. Many of the guests at the party are spending the night in the house.

"Can you remember our wedding night 50 years ago?" asks the husband. "How I cut my finger so that everyone would believe you were still a virgin?"

"I remember," says the wife. "What do you want me to do now? Blow my nose on the sheet so everyone thinks you can still get it up?"

Welcome to the Family! Joke

A girl went to introduce the man she wanted to get married to her father.

Father: "So you want to marry my daughter, what do you do for a living?"

Man: "I just got out of prison, I will search for a job soon."

Father: "Whaaaat! You were in prison and you want to marry my daughter with that bad record, what did you do?"

Man: "I killed a person."

Father: "What did the person do?"

Man: "He denied me to marry his daughter."

Father: "Welcome to the family son."

It's an Emergency! Joke

A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.

"Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."

The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."

The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."

Bad Sign Language! Joke

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

Or What Joke

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'.

"So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

New Employee Joke

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked.

"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well, the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Penny for your thoughts Joke

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's about time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"