A young bride-to-be went to see her local priest to check on the preparations for her wedding.
"How can I help?" he asked.
"Well, Father", she began, "it's to do with my wedding dress. I was wondering what colour it should be."
"The answer to that depends on your virtues, my dear", replied the priest.
"What do you mean?" the innocent girl asked.
"It's simple," said the priest. "If you are pure and have not sinned, then you wear white."
"And if...?" asked the girl.
"Otherwise, you wear blue," explained the priest.
"Oh, I see. Thank you very much." she said, and turned to go.
"Wait a moment.", said the priest. "What color will you be wearing?"
"White!" said the girl.
"Oh good," smiled the priest.
"...with hundreds of little blue polka dots."
Thursday, March 14, 2013
The Blonde After Surgery Joke
A surgeon went to check on his patient -- a pretty blonde -- after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said after checking her out.
"Doctor? I have kind of a personal question," she said.
"Certainly -- doctors are trained to be discreet. What's your question?"
"Well," she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
"Well yes, you'll be fine!" he replied. "It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
"Doctor? I have kind of a personal question," she said.
"Certainly -- doctors are trained to be discreet. What's your question?"
"Well," she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
"Well yes, you'll be fine!" he replied. "It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
The Best Patients for Surgery Joke
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on:
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, or when the job takes longer than you said it would."
"You're all wrong," said the fifth surgeon. "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, or when the job takes longer than you said it would."
"You're all wrong," said the fifth surgeon. "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
The Mail Must Get Through Joke
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the mailman comments.
Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our privates showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the mailman comments.
Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our privates showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
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