Horny Young Man Joke

A horny young man went to a brothel. The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

"On the first floor, we have the ex-models, they are all slinky and sexy. On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses, they are all buxom and beautiful. On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers, they..."

"Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"

"Are you sure? I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

"It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it !!"

Golden Wedding Anniversary Joke

After celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, an old couple go to bed. Many of the guests at the party are spending the night in the house.

"Can you remember our wedding night 50 years ago?" asks the husband. "How I cut my finger so that everyone would believe you were still a virgin?"

"I remember," says the wife. "What do you want me to do now? Blow my nose on the sheet so everyone thinks you can still get it up?"

Welcome to the Family! Joke

A girl went to introduce the man she wanted to get married to her father.

Father: "So you want to marry my daughter, what do you do for a living?"

Man: "I just got out of prison, I will search for a job soon."

Father: "Whaaaat! You were in prison and you want to marry my daughter with that bad record, what did you do?"

Man: "I killed a person."

Father: "What did the person do?"

Man: "He denied me to marry his daughter."

Father: "Welcome to the family son."

It's an Emergency! Joke

A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.

"Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."

The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."

The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."

Bad Sign Language! Joke

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

Or What Joke

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'.

"So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

New Employee Joke

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked.

"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well, the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Penny for your thoughts Joke

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's about time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

The Color of Her Wedding Dress Joke

A young bride-to-be went to see her local priest to check on the preparations for her wedding.

"How can I help?" he asked.

"Well, Father", she began, "it's to do with my wedding dress. I was wondering what colour it should be."

"The answer to that depends on your virtues, my dear", replied the priest.

"What do you mean?" the innocent girl asked.

"It's simple," said the priest. "If you are pure and have not sinned, then you wear white."

"And if...?" asked the girl.

"Otherwise, you wear blue," explained the priest.

"Oh, I see. Thank you very much." she said, and turned to go.

"Wait a moment.", said the priest. "What color will you be wearing?"

"White!" said the girl.

"Oh good," smiled the priest.

"...with hundreds of little blue polka dots."

The Blonde After Surgery Joke

A surgeon went to check on his patient -- a pretty blonde -- after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said after checking her out.

"Doctor? I have kind of a personal question," she said.

"Certainly -- doctors are trained to be discreet. What's your question?"

"Well," she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

"Well yes, you'll be fine!" he replied. "It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

The Best Patients for Surgery Joke

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, or when the job takes longer than you said it would."

"You're all wrong," said the fifth surgeon. "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

The Mail Must Get Through Joke

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our privates showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

Free advice at social affairs joke

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"

The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

The Men's Room Joke

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows.... he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean".

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious".

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands".

First Date Advice Joke

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your Assets; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand somewhere inappropriate; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

The Plows Must Get Through Joke

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast and again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park---" and right then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Sweetie, why don't you just go ahead and leave it in the garage just this once?"

The Baptists and the Brothel Joke

I've heard this one in a number of variations, and actually thought it had been posted here for years ...but I didn't find it. So this version is as-received from a buddy. Not for the easily offended.

Mt. Vernon Texas Newspaper Headline:
Mt. Vernon, Texas, Whorehouse Sues Local Church Over Lightning Strike!

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cathouse fire, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher, and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's destruction. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"

The Best News Joke

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.

Most people are writing standard phrases like, 'Without you, the company will never be the same,' 'We will always remember you,' etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied, "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years."

Counsellor Joke

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help.

One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie."

Bragging On The Kids Joke

Four guys are having drinks and, as one heads to the restroom, the three others started to talk about their successful sons.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, and now he's the president of the company. He's so rich he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for Christmas!"

"Damn, thats terrific!" the second guy said, "My son is also my pride and joy. He started working as a flight attendant on corporate jets. Then went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of the company. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!"

"Well that's terrific!" the third man said. "My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company, and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend: a 30,000 square foot mansion!"

The three guys are congratulating each other just as the fourth guy returns from the restroom to ask what are all the congratulations about?

One of the three guys said, "Were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. You have a son too, right? How's he doing."

The fourth man says, "My son is gay and makes his living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

"That's a shame...what a disappointment," the three men mumble.

"Not at all!" the fourth man says. "I'm not ashamed at all: he's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly for himself, either. Why, just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three best customers!"

A Serious Auto Accident Joke

It was a pretty serious auto accident. Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt, his face smashed into the windshield.

In a strange twist of fate, he wasn't seriously injured, but something rather bizarre happened:

The cracked glass pinched his right eyelid and, when he bounced back, ripped the eyelid off. Unfortunately, the tissue wasn't saved for reattachment.

At the hospital, plastic surgeons weren't sure how to repair it. Skin grafts wouldn't do the trick, since plain skin isn't thick enough for the job. Then one of the surgeons noticed he wasn't circumcised. The thick, elastic skin there would be just the ticket!

Sure enough, the operation was a success and the new eyelid works just as intended!

But the true measure of success in any plastic surgery is: how does it look? It's not quite perfect, doctors say: while it works perfectly, he will forever be ...a little cockeyed.

A Couple of sex joke

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"

"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."

So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.

Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"

And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...

The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Man with one testicle joke

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story??

OH, come on..take a guess!

Think about it.

(You're going to love this!)





And the moral is...

...You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!

Bob, The Chicken Joke

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."

Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Bob.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yelling "BOB, wake up, goddammit. You just shit the bed!"

Grandpa and Granddaughter Joke

Granddaughter is sitting on Grandpa's lap as he reads the paper not paying any attention to her. So she starts studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more puzzled.

She finally asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

'He sure did honey, a long long time ago", he replied.

"Well, did God make me?` she asked.

"Yes He did, and that wasn't too long ago," he answered.

She thought for a minute and then said, "Wow! He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Man With No Ears Joke

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."

The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears."

The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

Types of Boobs and Willies Joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases:
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'