Extra effort joke

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

When Death Came Joke

Death came to a guy and said,"My friend today is your day..." The guy said,"But I am not ready!" Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list..." So the guy told death, "Ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?" Death said, "All right..." The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list. When death woke up he said to the guy, "I will start from the bottom of the list because you have been so very nice to me..."

Blonde and the Barking Dog Joke

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!"

Steady, William Joke

A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It was obvious to her that he had his hands full with the child — he was screaming for candy, cookies, pop and everything else he shouldn't have. Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around the store, saying in a controlled voice, "Steady, William: we won't be long. Easy, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, William: Relax, buddy! Don't get upset! We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. That little bastard's name is Kevin."

On Heat Joke

A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the bull". "How disgusting," said the teacher? "I'm sure your father could have done that." "No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull."

Two sisters Joke

Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years. Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!" "Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs." Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

Broken Engagement Joke

Mike: “Mary has broken our engagement saying I am not rich enough.” Harry: “But you should have told her about your maternal uncle. He is stinking rich and you are his only successor.” Mike: “I did that. That is when she broke off with me and got engaged to my uncle.

Make Him Puke Joke

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other. "So, what's going on here?", the cop asks. The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit." The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!" The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

Most Wanted Joke

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

The Second Coming Joke

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one."

Reasons Why Men Favor Handguns Over Women Joke

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun! #2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. #3 - A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month. #5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. #7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun as a back up. #8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

The Difference Between Complete and Finished Joke

"When you marry the right woman, you are complete. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are finished. If the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished."

Healthful Place Joke

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in New Delhi.

In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"

"It sure is," the cabbie replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

Surprising Nemo